Being human sometimes feels a lot like a hugely elaborated video game puzzle where the main character has no freaking clue that they’re in a game. You don’t see the helpful hints or the extra lives that are flashing on the screen, all you know is that you are on a mission and there are many challenges ahead. At least that’s what my life felt like lately and quite frankly I’m done with it…
I’m a big believer in the quote “If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.” (Thank you Mrs. Angelou) because really that simple yet intricate quote could be the solution to all of our self-imposed suffering. However the past month for me it was more like if you don’t like something, play Candy Crush (hides head in embarrassment). At first, I avoided the game like the plague because everyone I knew mentioned how addictive it was, and I knew for a fact that one more distraction to be addicted to was literally the last thing I needed. However at the beginning of June I fell into an incredibly deep funk and refused to get myself out of it so I did the next best thing… I downloaded Candy Crush… Deep sigh… I don’t remember how long I played it, I just remember that every time life would overcome me and I couldn’t face it, I’d start it up. Something about the mindlessness of matching candies over and over with challenges easy enough to handle in order to reach another level gave me a false sense of power. My anxiety levels would return to neutral after a few minutes of playing and I could temporarily face the world again.
A big flaw in my master plan was the self loathing that accompanied the indulgence of my virtual sweet tooth. I had so many things to accomplish in the month of June, zero desire to do it, and I hated myself for my non actions.
The battle in my head continued for a while. I would encounter an unpleasant thought or feeling, whip out my phone, trash talk myself, tried to ignore myself, wash, rinse, repeat. Until… One day I decided to skip the last step. Instead of ignoring myself I decided to hear what my snarky subconscious had to say. That’s when it hit me. My subconscious was in a state of fear. A fear so big that I refused to do anything that required more courage than playing candy crush. And then I began a dialogue with the voice inside my head.
“What are you so afraid of?”
“I don’t know!”
“What could possibly be so scary that you are hiding behind this game?”
“Maybe I’m not enough, I’m scared of my inadequacy… There’s so much I want to do, so much I want to be, but I can’t seem to change and my anxiety consumes me.”
“Stop calling it anxiety, that uncomfortable feeling in the pit of your stomach that makes your heart race when you face the unknown.. That’s not anxiety, that’s growth.”
“Life is not supposed to be comfortable all the time. If you were always comfortable why would you want anything different from what you had. If you were always comfortable why would you change that, why would you grow? When you experience the greatest discomfort within your being do not hide, do not deny, do not distract. In order to grow you have to bring light to the darkness that plagues you. You have to go within and light a candle in every room of your inner being.”
“But how come it feels like I never make progress. I have good days and then the bad days come right back.”
“Remember that a candle burns out. You have to relight the fire every once in a while. Your actions determine the efficiency of the flames. When you are in alignment with your spiritual path your candle burns slow and steady, when you aren’t it will wither away as fast as it started.”
“So what do I do now?”
To be continued…
Love & Light,