Man walking down road at sunset
As much as I dislike labels I love that today is national coming out day and I’m loving reading all these coming out stories being shared on the interwebs! On June 12th 2016 when 49 LGBTQ lives were brutally taken I wept and I wept for weeks afterwards because although I never really cared to label myself, those were my people; I identified with them. They were free spirits who loved who they loved and who were true to themselves (even if just in places like Pulse where they were supposed to be safe).
In my ideal world labels would be useless because we would all just see each other for the beautiful souls we are and that would be that. I’m an optimist so I have hope that we are moving closer and closer to that ideal world but until then I have to admit that labels do serve a purpose. Labels tell others “Look, you’re not alone! I’m with you!!” Anyone who’s ever been desperately lonely can tell you how powerful that statement is. In a world filled with 7 Billion people, no one should ever feel like they are the only one!
So here I am, about to type out the words that I’ve only uttered to a select few, my brain trying to assure my trembling fingers that this is no biggie. I’m bisexual… This doesn’t change anything and it changes everything. Some people will inevitably look at me differently but I don’t care about those people, those are not my people. The ones I care about are the ones who will look at me and say “You are who you are so that means I can be who I am!!!” Those are MY people. I’m doing this for me and I’m doing this for you. I love you ❤
The Awakened Momma
I miss the blogging world. I have grown quite fond of it in a very short time. I like the people I follow, I like the people that follow me. I like the bravery I have in the comfort of my own virtual abode and the kindness I receive from the strangers that like my story. I get a warm and fuzzy feeling when I think about this blog and what it means. So in case anyone was wondering, nope I haven’t forgotten about you oh faithful readers. I’ve just been busy with life and not particularly inspired to write. I’ve been taking pictures instead. Since I’m the queen of this castle I guess even if I don’t write I can share my pictures so yeah here they are 🙂
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This is going to hurt…
Another day gone, wasted away pointlessly browsing the web, obsessively checking my email, and letting my mind run on auto pilot all day. I understand the word addiction is a strong one, but I assure you it’s the right word.
Typing this is painful. The shame and guilt that go along with the word addiction feel strong enough to swallow me whole.
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They should warn you that when you start a blog the thoughts in your head become like the last few Cheerios in a bowl full of milk. You’ll chase those suckers around with your spoon, but they’ll continuously evade you with their super ninja skills. So as I’m scrambling together my Cheerios..er, thoughts I feel a block. I’m looking for my next post in the future (the changes I want to make) and the past (the issues and intimacies of my messed up head) but true to the nature of this blog, the present moment is where the goodies are. In the NOW, I feel there is one important thing I need to do before I proceed. Please allow me to address this issue in a letter to myself.
I forgive you. Your harsh words and judgements have hurt me, but I forgive you Self. I understand a little bit better now that the way you talk to me is the way you’ve allowed others to talk to you in the past. It’s a cycle, and although I forgive you, I no longer want to participate in or perpetuate this cycle. Self, you are powerful and magnificent and together we can be the stars of our own movie. I can sense your fear but don’t let it consume you. Face it Self, you’re pretty damn powerful, but don’t be afraid of your own power and embrace it instead!
From this moment, I will no longer hear you when you tell me I’m not a good enough mom, wife, or friend. I will no longer agree with you when you insist that everyone else is better at life than I am. I won’t let you hold me back from achieving the greatness that is my birthright by convincing me that I am not capable of it. Guess what? I am capable of greatness, I am worthy of love, I am a beautiful person. Guess what? So are you! I love you self, you are not alone. Don’t be afraid because I have it on good authority that every little thing is gonna be alright.
Love & Light,
The Awakened Momma
*Deep Breaths* Here I am attempting to write a blog as an impulse decision. I haven’t done hours of research on this, or anxiously obsessed over whether this is a good decision or not. This is very untrue to my nature. Right about now the self-doubting voice in my head is chiming in reminding me that a) my writing sucks b) no one will probably read this and 3) there’s no point in coming up with a third reason since no one is reading this.
Truth be told, I am writing this regardless of what the self-doubting voice says. I am writing this regardless of who reads it because I need to heal and grow, and despite my subpar writing skills I believe in the therapeutic abilities of baring your soul on pen and paper (eh.. keyboard and desktop?). This might be the first time in my life that I am attempting something without the expectations of succeeding or the fear of failure. I am doing this just to do. Hopefully as time passes my awareness will expand (and my writing will get better? *crosses fingers*) and I will see a positive shift in my life.
The title that I chose for my blog may suggest that I’m some enlightened guru who is here to help you raise mini Buddhas. Let me shock you right now and tell you I’m not! Awakened (in reference to a spiritual awakening) is what I aim to be. Having a kid (my son EJ was born in 2011) made me want to be the best me I could possibly be (too cliché?). But the kicker is that having a toddler often brings out the big, bad, ugly monsters hiding in our inner closets that we stuffed away in our own childhoods.
So here I am, a year and a half into raising my little and I already feel like I’ve scarred him for life! That’s where this blog comes in. This is where I’m committing to actively kicking my butt into gear. I am using this blog as my proverbial mountaintop and yelling for all (or none) to hear: “I want change!”. I am making multiple changes in my current lifestyle and I hope to document them here. I will describe these changes in more detail in later posts and hopefully others going through similar changes will follow along and learn with me. These changes will mainly focus on my physical health, my spiritual self, and my relationship with others (especially EJ). One person that reads this and resonates with me, is one person who I am thankful for. I’m not sure where this journey is taking me but I’m buckled in and ready to go, who’s got shotgun?
Love and Light,
The Awakened Momma